why me

As I told you before, I'm still not on very good terms with my sister after the whole wechat incident. 

To my default, it was 101% not my fault! She started it so why is everyone bugging me to "mengalah" to her? Isn't she the mature one? Isn't she the one who ate salt before me? Isn't she the who's turning 18 this year? 

I don't really know what to do. Half of me says to actually mengalah for her and just apologize but the egoistic side of me is pulling me back. I did try to give her hints as a sign I wanted to reconcile such as finishing her laundry, and putting the basket in front of her door so her clothes don't stink up. But she's still the hot-headed, ego one! All I really want is just a simple ass "Sorry." 

I don't need a 1000-word essay of how guilty she is, I just want her to know the real pain I've been through behind the mean jokes! They weren't funny! And I couldn't put up with her anymore. 

So here we are, a week later and still with the silent treatment. We did talk once in a while. Well, not much of talk as she just asked me what I wanted from Papparich and a mamak. But that was it. 

Tonight I ate dinner with my dad and her. Awkwardness filled the air as we both only made conversation with our dad. I wanted to butt in their conversation and put in some of my thoughts in it but you know, ego. 

Ego is a mean person. It makes you dreadful inside yet you'll feel satisfied. 

I wish to throw my ego. I wish to God that He would give me some sort of sign of how I should handle this situation. But so far, nothing. The only thing I got was being called immature by my family. And having my mom persuade ME into apologizing. Nuh-uh! That was soooooo not happening.

I wish for her to read this. And sincerely think what kind of pain she has brought me. x

don't feed your stomach

"being overweight isn't that bad."

Isn't it?

I'm 15 and I've been with the same weight since I turned 11. I gained some, never lost some and still here I am, harmless. I look at the people around me who cut, slash their arms and thighs due to the society's cruel, harmful words. Words that cause suicide to happen each minute. And I wonder to myself, will I ever turn into one of them?

Society these days teach us to be appealing to one another. To satisfy another being for your sake.

What if someone tried to turn the tables around? Putting a new law as 'Society is not allowed to bully and judging people'? Would that make a difference in our world? But even so, lawyers these days who crave for justice, looks down on those who are overweight. Looking at them in full pity, wondering what would happen if they were them. 

Dear to the ones who gains all the courage each day to flaunt that beautiful body of yours, to those who cry in the middle of the night wondering if they were ever going to get a chance in being accepted in society, to those who crave for a thigh gap, to those who pray every night wishing they had that body to actually flaunt, well I want you to know that you are worth it. Each and every part of you is precious.

I want everyone in this world to be brave. Brave in defining your own self without having another being take the best in you. Flaunt that big booty, flaunt that wide hip, flaunt that precious body of yours and show people who's in charge now. Remember;

Beauty is always beyond size.  x

best korean drama yet

Love in the Moonlight. 

I'm a crazy korean drama fanatic if you haven't known me.

And I can say(for this year) I found the most perfect korean drama that I've seen so far! I'm not going to insert a whole 800-word synopsis abt this drama but I'll tell you a few things you need to know;


–It's based on a historical background.
okay, truth be told, I'm not into those kind of historical themed dramas and promised myself I wouldn't try and watch one but somehow this drama. . .got me in feels! It was so much better than DOTS and it was beautiful TT

–The main actors/actresses were professionals!
Have I told you how crazed I am for the lead actor, Park Bogum! God, he was goddamn charming in the drama! The way he talked, the way he looked and gazed into the actress's eyes. If I wasn't into the drama, I'd already assume they were alr dating!  But sadly, none of their agencies confirmed the dating rumors between them. Everything abt their acting was perfect, no mess ups, well maybe the kisses weren't as affectionate but it was okay. Maybe it was bcs the actress was 17 so they had to keep the kissing limits. But overall, it was nicely put together!

–There were too many sad scenes.
So for the first few episodes, the drama was getting pretty cute and fluffy but going on to the middle parts, it was tiring to see the lead actress, who was played by Kim Yoo Jung, cry a lot. She even said in one of her interviews that her face kept being bloated by crying so much. Some of them were heartbreaking but most of them were a yawn-breaker.

–You'll definitely want the leads to end up dating for real.
So at first, I didnt like the idea of Park Bogum having a love interest towards Kim Yoo Jung who was 17 an underage. But when I got to know the drama better, you can say I'm a sucker for these two! I spent many nights googling wondering if they were really together in real life but got to no results. There were a few rumors abt it since Park Bogum kept updating pics of him and KYJ(hinthint) but maybe that was it. I don't know if I should tell you this but I really hate Hyeri frm Girls Day. So maybe that's why I hated the idea of watching Reply 1988. HAVE U SEEN THE KISS SCENE UGGHHHHHHH! But I'm kinda satisfied as Park Bogum never really talks much about his drama Reply 1988.


Soooo anywayssss, I guess that's a few things I wanted to update. Y'all better pray for me to move on frm this drama before I spend all night wondering at 3am if there will ever be a season 2.

Fingers crossed! x

being 15

as you all know, i'm 15 this year.

and truth be told, I've learnt so much about life these past years. I've been through the puberty phase, the "sentap" phase, the "derhaka" and so on.


so here I am, 4 years later; into this blogging thing again. I was just hoping this blog would be something to let my feelings out without me being judged by the heinous world. After all, writing in a diary is pretty tiring.

I don't know how long its been since I've truly let my feelings out to someone, or somewhere. But I just wanted to let anyone who's reading this to remember; what's in this blog, STAYS in this blog.

So here we go.


Okay so I had just finished my PT3(a big examination made for form 3) and at first I was kinda glad it was over. I didn't have to study, I didn't have to hear my family nag at me to study, I didn't have to hear that "Macam lah TV tu masuk exam" phrase over and over again. I was just back into my routine. I was quite happy.

Until the time where my Mom came home.

It was the day PT3 ended, I was getting along with everyone until Mom came home. She started yelling at me to find her sikat which I brought outside her room the other day. Okay I get it, I brought it out but there was no need to be yelling at me during Maghrib. I had finished my exams for God's sake! The thing is, during the 3-day examinations, my Mom had been a saint to me, A SAINT! She treated so nicely, she asked me how I was doing, asked me to study in her nice tone.

That was until PT3 ended.

And the voice of her yelling at me that night, gave me a shitty vibe in myself. Like somehow the universe was going to tell me everything in my life is going to get more shittier by day. I didn't believe it until the night I went to dinner with my family.

It was a normal day for me. I was having a pretty fun day with my friends and sisters. That night my parents had us dinner with my Kaklong at Shah Alam. So I went. And when we got to the restaurant, everything was going quite well until someone brought up one of the social medias I use daily! Okay, I don't know if you've heard about this "Wechat" case which they call budak wechat budak rempit. BUT TO ME, YOU'RE REMPIT WHEN U CALL, TEXT, AND POST LIKE A DAMN REMPIT. If only they knew what I really posted one Wechat. I don't even post much. All I do is literally just text my friends and call them through there. It's called a social life guys, you might need it.

So continuing my story, as someone brought up the Wechat thingy, a devil in the form of my second sister, started to babble on how shitty Wechat people are. That was very disrespectful to me! I get that all of my sisters don't have a fucking social life but to include my personal feelings and just insult how "rempit" wechat people are is just crossing the line. My second sister had been insulting my taste of social medias since I had a phone! At first, I could handle it. I thought maybe she won't insult me again after this. Well, she proved me wrong. It was a wrong time to be messing with me that night! I was on my period, I had just been scolded by Mom so my emotions and state of mind wasn't normal. So as soon as she started insulting Wechat INFRONT of me, I flipped. When I went to wash my hands, I heard the echoes of her laughter in my head and that made me so pissed. I grabbed whatever was the nearest to me(which were prawns) and threw it at her. I was so done with her teasings! Unfortunately, the prawns landed in her soup which splashed all over her and her phone. Guilt amd resentment flooded towards me. But I couldn't help but be satisfied. She had finally tasted her own fucking medicine.

Ever since that night, me and my second sister still are on the silent treatment. It's been three days and these three days, I had kinda realized how useful she is in my life. But I couldn't be weak and apologize! It was her fault anyways, why should I be the one apologizing? I get that she's older, but as long as you don't respect me, you are never ever earning my respect.

That's all for tonight. I hope to try and blog abt my feelings again. It finally feels good to let a few things out. x