d u m b

have u ever been embarassed by someone infront of acrowd? have u ever thought of leaving school just because of it?

i have.

but i couldnt quit school, although i wanted to.

the day i got called out dumb by my own teacher was the day my take on life changed.

i was humiliated, i was overwhelmed and i was sensitive frim the inz

i couldnt take critiscm well after that. i had this thought at the back of my head that everyone i knew was secretly calling me dumb behind their "critiscm".

and the worst part is, i cry everytime. i had a horrible mental breakdown last week. nothing qas going my way, i kept getting scolded by my teachers and everything my friends did annoyed me. i cried three days straight because of it.

so is this what that teacher wanted? for me to somw sense in life now? for having me cry all the time just by that one word she called me.

i want yall to remember what yall said to someone.

because u never know if u've mentally broken someone for the rest of their lives x

question,

one frequent question i usually get from others are,

"how are you so happy?"

i dont really know how to respond honestly. to say i live a luxurious life, i dont. to say, im the prettiest bitch on earth, im not. so sometimes i question myself, why am i so happy?

somehow i'd top the question off with mayb it's the favt im not committed to anything. i dont have a boyfriend im clinging onto, i take care of my relationship with everyone around me, and i dont wanna brag about this, but sometimes i feel like i get to be happy because i like to sedekah. mayb my happiness is a thank you from Allah for having such a big heart.

im not trying to brag really. im sorry if i sound obnoxious.

and mayb second of all, i have amazing friends. supportive, kind, funny, masuk air, friendly, crazy– im honestly so grateful to have them. its because of these crazy hoes, i got to live in a kind, fun environment and i know im gonna miss high school because of them. people at school too, are nice to me. gosh, i really dont know why i deserve this much kindness in life. thank you Allah.

anyways, if you ever need any tips on how to be happy, i'll list a few;

- be positive! this is so important, its the fundamental of being happy in the first place, positivity brings you so much in life so always put on a smile:)

-surround yourself with the right people! friends play a crucial part in life. they're the ones that bukld you to who you are right now. and having the perfect fit friends means everything,,

-dont date when ur in high school. boys are trash, guys. all they do is break your heart and cry. enjoy your high school life! make memories, go on adventures. you'll think back one day and ask yourself what did you ever do in high school that you couldn't cs of ur obsessive boyfriend:(

-be kind! kindness, is so important now. be kind to everyone and everyone will be kind to you✨

-keep your life private. idk abt you but im not the most popular girl around, people know me but they dont really know "me". and i guess thats good because when u keep your life low, you dont stress easily and you just mind your own business.


i guess that's it from me, hope this helped;) xxx

what a world

i've never been a fan of the slogan; embrace your "body".

i've been dealing with weight issues ever since i was younger. my cousins, my friends, my parents, my grandma, even my teachers have always talked shit about my body.

"all you gotta do is run,"
"wow your thighs are so big"
"kau jadi qm je la senang"
"kau lari bapak lembab"

imagine having a 7-year-old go thru that? having to realize that she's not worthy of love in this world. that all people look for nowadays is slim, skinny and under 50 kg. kalau lebih, sorry to say but you're apparently hated and looked down in this world. society's cruel and we cant change the fact that they're mean, they're heartless and they're fucking selfish. they dont give jackshit about what you feel, to them, you don't have feelings. to them, what they say is supposed to motivate you. well guess what  society? you're not a motivational speaker.

how do you sleeping knowing you're the reason why someone's daughter, someone's son is crying themselves to sleep? how do you walk around in the world knowing you're the cause of someone's depression? HOW DO YOU EVEN SMILE KNOWING YOU'VE MADE CUTE, CHUBBY KIDS FEEL WORTHLESS BEING IN THEIR OWN SIZE?????

i went shopping with family last weekend, we'd been walking for hours and all my sisters already got their stuffs, pretty clothes, jeans and skirts and i havent gotten myself anything. apparently designers these days think that only skinny people wanna look pretty. and we, the ones who arent that slim, are meant to just buy ugly, cheap, oversized t-shirts. i restrained myself from crying that day. i couldnt look at pretty shirts and cry thinking how i wouldnt be able to fit into them. that i can never say to myself, "hey it's my size, lets buy this." no, we oversized people have to go thru the questioning looks on the salesperson whenever we ask to go try an outfit on.

when it does, its ugly. and when it doesnt fit, that's where it hurts most.

sure, people might say that we could go for a run or do aerobics everyday, eat healthily but what if that just doesnt work for some people? people like me are the type to enjoy life, eat whatever the fuck i want(with an appropriate portion); not live in a world where diet is a norm. but whenever you're eating, everyone just stares at with pity, wondering if they'd ever end up like me if they ate alot.

don't worry, you wont. even if you do, welcome to the club.

the club of the embarassment.

we're no ones in this world. we're not pretty enough, not skinny enough and not worthy of everything in this  fucking world that APPARENTLY THE SOCIETY BUILT.

so here's to the club, here's to anyone who went to sleep crying because of their weight, who's going to depression because they were bulled by their weight, who's forced to look down whenever passing a group of people, who everyone looks down on during sports day, and to anyone whose ever been suicidal because of people's mouth.

you are loved, you are beautiful and you are appreciated. you're worthy of all the love in the world and one day, one person, one magnificient person will show you that.






here's also to the fucked up society, that's 99% the whole reason why overweight people hate themselves. :)

not so sweet sixteen

one thing i'll never forget in 2017 is my birthday.

some of you might say, "she must've had a birthday bash", "she probably had a sweet sixteen party," or "her parents must've thrown her a surprise party".

well, you're wrong. this year's birthday is without a doubt the most horrifying, ugliest, no good birthday i've ever went thru. im not joking. the reason why im bringing it up tonight is because today's my little sister's birthday. and today reminded me of what i went thru three months ago.

it all started up when i woke up on my first day of being officially 16. i mean, i've always wanted to turn 16 in my life. i've learnt from movies that 16 has always the best age. u get a sweet sixteen party.when the clock struck 12, i was ecstatic. all my closest friends wished me, my cousins, my suck at texting guy friend did(tho he did it later at 3am) and i couldn't stop saying thank you to them the whole night. but one of the many important people in my life didn't however. who r they? my.own.freaking.parents. at the time, i thought well they're asleep so they'll probably wish me later. but no, none, nada. when i woke up on that sunday, the house was empty. no one was home. no one was there to surprise me, attack me with hugs, scream happy birthday. nope. so i got upset. then later i saw my mom post not a birthday wish but my sister's pic saying how excited she was for her to go to UM. my sadness grew. she didnt even wish me and yet she's posting a pic of my SUTER and not ME.

i cried, honestly. i hated it. i hated the feeling of being forgotten and unloved. i kept thinking at the time, "right, im just 16 no big deal. everyone turns 16 once in a while. ur not special today, today's just the day u were born. ur sister going to UM tho, now that's special. now that's something to post about." haha. im crying just thinking about it. when everyone got home, i was literally in front of the tv, ready for my parents to start attacking me by saying "omg my baby is 16!" but once again, no. they headed straight to their room, not once glancing at me.

that night, my sisters kept telling my parents how upset i got. and they started teasing me about it. fuck yall. fuck yall so much. i hated my family at the moment. then guess what? my parents left once again to their friend's house. WOW APPARENTLY IM NOT ENOUGH TO CELEBRATE ORGO HAVE  DINNER WITH BUT UR FRIENDS ARE HUH??????? it was just heartbreaking man. im the type to love birthdays, y'know. but from that day on, i hated birthdays. i hated that it reminded of my own.

but after i got upset, THEN they bought balloons and pizzas. THEN did they remember me. lol. fuck this. i hate this feeling. my parents dont love me. they love the ones that make em proud. not the one whose having their birthdays. thanks parents, u guys r the reason why birthdays mean nothing to me now:)

im fine, really.

this incident made me realize so many things.

1) my parents dont give two shits about me.
2) im definitely celebrating my birthday with my friends next year.
3) birthdays are shit.
4) adik doesnt deserve shit(too lazy to talk abt this one)
5) remember people who remember u:)

whoever said turning 16 is exciting is shit lol bye

pt3

so guess who got their pt3 results and satisfied as hell?

thiiiissssss guuurrllllllllll!!!!!

istg I was so happy and delighted when i saw 7A's on my slip. beside than the D I got for maths, my slip ook hella fine. for a girl who didn't apply to any tutor or tuition, I kinda did great, Alhamdulillah. for years I had been teased for being the dumbest sibling in the family but somehow this examination proved many, many people wrong. I loved my mom's reaction when I showed her my slip. she looked absolutely proud and pleased. fuck the results, my parents reaction was more important. I actually had this feeling that I wouldn't get more than 2A's. But to God's will, He gave me more. more than I wanted. The best thing was, I actually beat the first-class students scores.

But when I got back home, my grandma started nagging on how I got a D on my maths and how ugly the D looked on my slip. The hell is ur problem man? This is my time. Today is my day. Don't ruin it. Doesn;t she know how hard it is to actually NOT fail a maths test these days? I did my best. So don't be the cloud to my sun. I tried my best to ignore her so I played with my phone, not sinking a single word she said as today was my glorious day, I wouldn't let anyone ruin it. Not even the old hag.

I loved my family's reaction as well. My kakngah's reaction was priceless. Finally she couldn;t tease me being the dumb one! I was sick of her always calling me the disappointment of the family. My dad told me he was proud of me, and since he was away today for a meeting, he couldn't be there at the glorious moment. It's fine.

But bad news yall.

This means my parents have high expectations for me for SPM now. Dammit.

So anyways, next year is a new year. A year where I get to start over again. And I will. I'll be a better person, a better daughter and a better sister(probs).

So this is it for now. May I be more rajin to post more on my personal life.

x

having a boy bestfriend

so for days I've been wondering where I could rant about my feelings to someone who won't judge me. other than God, there's this blog too.


so here I go.

so for your information, I have this one guy bestfriend whose name is anonymous since I'm too annoyed to even look at his name. We've been friends for years and I could consider him as a really good friend since I always rant about my problems to him. But somehow I don't know if I'm his bestfriend too. He might say it but he might also not mean it. The guy lives at asrama in Banting so we don't chat daily. Only during the weekends(that is if he comes home) and on public holidays. So a few days ago, he got a new phone(A DAMN IPHONE6S!!) and he created whatsapp. So we started chatting there. But somehow I have this feeling it was a mistake for him to make a whatsapp. Cause I can see whenever he blueticks me, and ignoring me. And it annoys me so much! I've been waiting for weeks for him to come home so that I can talk to him but he's acting like we always meet! He doesn't tegur me anymore, and the worst part is, he told me he's been talking to another girl. I got more pissed! Like, is she his new friend? If she is, then fuck him. Seriously. This is my first guy bestfriend and he's being such an asshole!

So last night I texted him randomly. I was giving him a hint for him to know that I was mad. I texted him "u r very clueless of a person's feelings." BUT BEING THE DUMB GUY WHO PUTS HIS BRAIN IN HIS ASS, he didn't even know what that meant and he later changed the topic. It was sooooook humiliating and annoying! But being the mature and good friend, I let it slide. And so the next day, he was going back to asrama. Normally, he would always tell me that he's leaving so we can bid each other goodbye but guess what? HE DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING. He was online many times yet he still didn't have the decency to text me. He's so annoying, and I'm just so pissed man. I'm so tired being the one who actually cares about our friendship. Does he not know how much this friendship means to me? Sighs.

I'm just gonna go now. I'm too frustrated.

x

why me

As I told you before, I'm still not on very good terms with my sister after the whole wechat incident. 

To my default, it was 101% not my fault! She started it so why is everyone bugging me to "mengalah" to her? Isn't she the mature one? Isn't she the one who ate salt before me? Isn't she the who's turning 18 this year? 

I don't really know what to do. Half of me says to actually mengalah for her and just apologize but the egoistic side of me is pulling me back. I did try to give her hints as a sign I wanted to reconcile such as finishing her laundry, and putting the basket in front of her door so her clothes don't stink up. But she's still the hot-headed, ego one! All I really want is just a simple ass "Sorry." 

I don't need a 1000-word essay of how guilty she is, I just want her to know the real pain I've been through behind the mean jokes! They weren't funny! And I couldn't put up with her anymore. 

So here we are, a week later and still with the silent treatment. We did talk once in a while. Well, not much of talk as she just asked me what I wanted from Papparich and a mamak. But that was it. 

Tonight I ate dinner with my dad and her. Awkwardness filled the air as we both only made conversation with our dad. I wanted to butt in their conversation and put in some of my thoughts in it but you know, ego. 

Ego is a mean person. It makes you dreadful inside yet you'll feel satisfied. 

I wish to throw my ego. I wish to God that He would give me some sort of sign of how I should handle this situation. But so far, nothing. The only thing I got was being called immature by my family. And having my mom persuade ME into apologizing. Nuh-uh! That was soooooo not happening.

I wish for her to read this. And sincerely think what kind of pain she has brought me. x